In the 2004 movie, Shall We Dance, the wife (played by Susan Sarandon) of the protagonist answers the question: “Why do people get married?”
She says, “There are billions of people on the planet. What does any one life mean? In a marriage, you are promising to care about everything: the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things. All of it. All the time, every day. You are saying, ‘Your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.’”
I find these words to be especially poignant in light of the various and many complexities a lifetime commitment presents. Unexpected challenges and hardships as well as changes in priorities and values inevitably occur over time, which impact even the most solid of relationships.
Some couples may unexpectedly find that their marriage in trouble without having seen the warning signs, while others are cognizant that they have been drifting apart for quite some time. Regardless of how a couple find themselves, the decision to participate in couples counseling is a significant step in getting back on track. Unfortunately, and realistically, it is at this point the real work begins.
Psychologist and researcher of marriage stability, John Gottman, identifies four signs of a troubled relationship: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt, which I find especially helpful in diagnosing the underlying issues. Once recognized, this knowledge can provide the framework for understanding, and creating strategies to restore equilibrium. With hard work, openness, and honesty, it is possible to return to a caring and loving life together.
