We often spend a great deal of time focusing on the child that has behavioral difficulties, school problems, emotional outbursts, etc. Sometimes these children may have a diagnosis of Autism or ADHD or Anxiety or something else or nothing at all. The more severe the concerns, the more time and attention it takes. That may be due to appointments for treatment or just the time it takes to deal with a tantrum be it 5 minutes or 2 hours. In all of this, there are the siblings that may feel left out. This can lead to them feeling lonely, worried about their sibling, or trying to find ways to get attention of their own (good or bad!). This does not mean you are a bad parent. I repeat this does not mean you are a bad parent. Parenting is a balancing act and we try to do our best from moment to moment and some days we just try to survive the chaos. So what can you do to support the child that is for lack of a better word less demanding. Here are some tips!
- Validate and acknowledge feelings! – Children may experience a variety of feelings related to their sibling with special needs such as embarrassment, guilt, happiness, sadness, etc. It is okay for them to experience these feelings and it is likely that you are feeling some of these feelings too. Acknowledge your feelings when it is appropriate and let your children know that it is okay to feel what they are feeling and that it is okay to talk about those feelings. No judgment!
- Let them argue!- Arguing and teasing is a regular part of all sibling relationships. If you have a sibling you know what I am talking about! Sure having a sibling with special needs may change the dynamics a bit but it should not change all aspects of that relationship. Sibling arguments can help all children learn to deal with conflicts. Obviously there will be times that you need to intervene but sometimes you can let kids be kids!
- Be fair!- Often times siblings may feel they are disciplined for behaviors that their brother or sister gets away with or feel that they have more chores than their sibling. They are likely to feel that this is unfair especially when they think that their sibling can follow the rules and do more around the house. While it will not always be possible to have equal expectations (fair does not mean equal) you can try to make them as similar as possible, which can help increase all your children’s independence. When it is not possible, try and explain this to your child and listen to their concerns. Sometimes they just need to be heard!
- Be there! – As I said before, sometimes one child requires more time and attention than the others. No matter what, it is important to make time to give each child some one-on-one attention. This will help you attend to every child’s need and also give you a break from focusing too much on one child that might have more needs than the others. How can you make this happen? Set aside time each day/week for one-on-one time. Maybe it is 5 minutes at the end of the night after the other has gone to bed or a movie on Saturday. It might not always be easy to figure it out but find the time and remember to celebrate achievements and not to miss the important moments.
*This list was adapted from information in Sibshops: Workshops for Siblings of Children with Special Needs, Revised Edition, by John Meyer and Patricia Vadasy. 2008. Paul H. Brookes Publishing Co.
