The Don’ts:
- Don’t ask “why” questions – creates defensiveness / they don’t know
- Don’t falsely reassure – “don’t worry”, “it’s not that bad”, and “you’re fine” are dismissive – Try “you’re safe” and “I’m here”.
- Don’t preach / Don’t lecture – if a kid falls down, does he need a lecture about gravity Don’t “should” on others or yourself!
- Don’t give a choice – unless you can live with the answer: “Do you want to put away your dirty dishes?” Try “I need you to put away your dirty dishes.” – Look up “Non-violent Communication”
- Don’t ignore the science of a developing brain. Teens impulsive choices are often a result of the way their brains are wired.
- Don’t give “unsolicited gifts”. Advice is best given after it is actually asked for or when you’ve confirmed that is what is wanted.
- Don’t give up. If something doesn’t work this time, it doesn’t mean it won’t work next time. Change can sometimes be uncomfortable.
The Do’s
- Do listen; Stop – Be Quiet – Listen – Practice Empathy
- Do reassure your teen that you believe in them. “I’m here for you” “I got your back” “We’ll do this together.”
- Do challenge your teen to be less dependent. The parent-teen relationship should be one of interdependence (not independence). B rainstorm: The power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel J. Siegel
- Do empower their own decisions. Teach problem solving, engage conversations about “wise” and “unwise” decisions and that they have a choice and whatever they choose will result in positive and negative consequences. Validate what your teen is thinking and feeling.
- Do talk to them about anything and everything. If they aren’t willing to talk about themselves, they almost always are willing to talk about their video games, their music or their friends.
- Do be unmistakably clear about expectations. Clarity with your teen and yourself are critical to appropriately setting boundaries.
- Do learn to apologize and model it for your teen. “I’m sorry, because I…Next time I ….”
- Do allow your teen time to decompress – When they get home, avoid talking about school, or their night out right away. Talk about your day or anything else going on.
- Validate efforts rather than outcomes (but that doesn’t mean ignore outcomes). Teach that effort is the key to producing positive outcomes.
- Do give your teen an out. Allow them to tell you if they need help or if something is wrong without fear of consequence.
- Do use other means to communicate when talking fails. Teens IM, text, snapchat to talk and resolve conflict. Not always a bad way to at least start a conversation.
- Do learn from your own mistakes. You may not like the tone your teen uses, but the contradictions they point out may be opportunities for you learn and negotiate a solution.
Book Suggestions:
- Nonviolent Communication: A language of Life – Marshall B. Rosenberg.
- Brainstorm: The power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain – Daniel J. Siegel
Written by: Kristy Schottes, MSW, LCSW
