There is a mountain of things that can cause tension between family members during the holidays: politics, religion, marriages, divorces, money, and so many more. Add in sometimes crowded spaces, with lots of personality types, and sometimes alcohol to an unhealthy level and it is no surprise so many people can feel anxiety and tension about the holiday get-togethers over the last few weeks of the year. So, how do you handle all of it?
First of all, know that you are not alone in feeling these tensions and anxiety when you spend time with extended family, blended family, friends of the family, really any group during the “holiday season”. One way to deal with some of the pressure is to have a good support system. Dad blows a gasket because you still talk to Mom after their divorce? Be sure to have friends, other family, and even your therapist to talk to about your mom (and dad) so you don’t feel isolated. It can also help to have a “safe person” at the gathering that you can touch base with when things get to be a bit much for you. It could be as easy as just talking to that person for a few minutes because you know that you have a good relationship and they are supportive of you, or someone who will cover for you while you go take some deep breaths or do some stretches to release some tension from your body.
Second, this is a time when setting boundaries with your family may help avoid conflict or ease some tense situations. Some people find it helpful to divide and conquer. Find time before or after the holidays to get together with family members that are particularly difficult to navigate or cause an extra layer of anxiety to your plate. By setting aside time for such people to catch up outside of the larger gathering, you are more likely to enjoy your day without pressure. This can also mean creating a new version of what the holidays look like for you. If taking care of yourself means skipping out on the big group holiday or one side of your family, then do it, and know that you are worth putting your needs first whether that is skipping out completely, volunteering to work that day, or allowing yourself to go for a guilt-free walk during the festivities when it gets to be too much.
And lastly, be prepared with some distractors to guide conversations in another direction when things start to get too heavy! Replying to questions about your love life or fertility status can be deflected with a simple smile and saying, “let’s talk about that later”. Another distractor is bringing up something about that person such as, “Hey! How was that trip to…?” or “Did I hear you got a new job? How is it going?”. And if all else fails, acknowledging that they may think they are coming from a good place can be a good way to stand your ground. Try something like “I know you care about me, but we want to enjoy this time we have together today, so let’s just talk about this another time”.
